Who Put this Touchy-Feely Crap in my Football Coverage?

I beg the forgivenss of my more scientifically inclined readers for this very unscientific rant.

This morning I woke up for a typical Sunday morning: a little poker, leftover pizza for breakfast, and the NFL pregame shows for my weekly doze of prime male competitiveness. As team sports go, football is tough to beat, a sort of violent chess, and I relish the few escapist minutes I'm allowed to enjoy it.

So what, I wondered, was going on when in the middle of my ESPN telecast I found myself watching Kermit the Frog singing it's not easy being green. I turn to another channel to find a discussion of Howie Long's wife calling the show and berating him about his tie. Last week I was subjected to some moronic skit about how Bret Favre was really a KGB agent.

Has everyone lost their minds? Has it become NFL View? Is this a subtle signal that you guys don't think football is as interesting as, well, I do? Call me a rigid absolutist if you must, but when I turn on a football show, I want to hear about football. I want to hear about injuries, strategies, personnel changes, playoff impications, and the proper technique for reading a zone or picking up a blitz. I do not give two drops of flying rodent droppings what the announcer's wives think of their ties. I do not care to see semi-creative performance art more befitting a junior high talent show. There are shows and channels that specialize in that sort of thing, and the people who want to see that are not only free to watch those shows instead, they are encouraged to do so. KEEP IT OUT OF MY FOOTBALL SHOWS.

I know it's a tough life guys, you who occupy those discussion chairs on Sunday mornings and in the broadcast booth on gameday. But could you please treat the sport, and your jobs, with the seriousness it deserves, and not pollute it with this fluff? One doesn't have to be boring to be substantive - Chris Berman has been pulling it off brilliantly for years. And sure, not everyone can be Chris Berman, but is it too much to ask that you try? We, your fans, and the fans of the game, appreciate it.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled scientific reading.